Digging in the Dirt

Dig this… my dirty obsession.

An obscure obsession is an idea coined by my colleagues and friends at True North years ago. I define it as the rabbit hole of a passion that captures your curiosity and continues to nudge you until it becomes the latest thing of conversations, your search history, and your heart and mind. You think on it.

Dirt, soil... The goodness of the earth. Where life comes from, literally and/or figuratively, ask a gardener, or a potter, or a believer of the Genesis creation story… where the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Dirt gives life… scientifically, poetically, and supernaturally. Research shows that mycobacterium vaccae, the most well-studied soil bacteria, triggers a serotonin release, creating a sense of well-being and reduced anxiety. My friend Nickole says “God gives us a hug when we play in the dirt.”

I have heard that grounding, walking barefoot outside, may reduce inflammation, improve sleep, and enhance overall health by balancing the body's electrical charge. Woo-woo? or wa-hoo! Either way, us gardeners—we are happy people.

The guts got it too: gardeners actually have more beneficial microbes in their gut. Even clay, with its antibacterial properties, may fight off pathogens responsible for disease, and also help expel toxins and heavy metals.

The NIH reports that, in a Japanese study, viewing plants altered EEG (electroencephalogram) recordings and reduced stress, fear, anger, and sadness. Additionally, it lowered blood pressure, pulse rate, and muscle tension. That same EEG that is used to diagnose ALS, which continues to be an anomaly for me. A beautiful example of God's miracle and provision.

Big news and a big deal: I held a 58-second plank! I have days where all I can do is 12 seconds, and on other days where I am strong and surprise myself. Another surprise: Steve is Chicago-bound, and stepping outside his comfort zone leaving me to live this out solo. We have agreed I am stable enough to say home alone… 9 days, that is a big deal. Now that is a bit of a misnomer as I am not really alone, I am surrounded by neighbors and friends pitching in, lining up, driving me to and fro, and praying for me. It takes a village, and I am grateful for mine. All the encouragement, support, and love, thank you. 7 years in… counting my seconds and my strength. My strength comes from the joy of the lord. Nehemiah 8:10

Come on get happy… step outside today, meet a neighbor, say hello to one another, say hello to the sun and the soil. Step outside your comfort zone, get dirt under your nails, say hello to your obscure obsession—see what you might learn.

Learn more: Jesus uses mud to heal, to create and to bring new life.

Cornucopia of Joy: A Walking Miracle

We did it!

Come and see the goodness of the Lord! With many friends, champions, and prayer warriors, princesses, ladies in waiting, a prince charming, jesters and a queen, we crossed the finish line with a beautiful chant: long live the queen! and I definitely felt like a queen for those few moments, for this day, for this walk. For I have come to the kingdom for such a time as this… to tell God's story and live forward into all the miracles waiting to be seen. All our prayers: answered.

Start to finish: 2.99 miles under 2 hours. A snail's pace. Slow and steady: each step, power and might, each step with Jesus, each step with joy, each step with gratitude. Some steps to straighten the crown, some for h20 appreciation breaks, some to disrobe, some to be reminded of the army of angels that surround me and some to pick up feathers of orange that led the way. God sprinkles and God winks.

So how do I feel? I am on Cloud 9, exhilarated, excited, and adrenaline coursing through my veins, and never better, seriously, never better! I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and gratitude to my friends who walked this out with me, and those who prepared me for today, and those who paused to be a part of this joyous milestone, and reminded me of God's strength and His beauty in and through us all.

I bless you with gratitude and joy. As you gather to share in this feast of Thanksgiving, may we all be nourished by the love and warmth that surrounds us.

Love and joy, Victoria

Living Forward

It has been in the works: recovery awakening, hope’s horizon, healing happening. Faith and resilience are forging a new story—a journey with a continually unending storyline, with twists and turns, hiccups, and surprises.

Surprise: we have two new kittens, Wisk and Willow. Yes, I know Wisk has an h, but I also know I can make my own way. And God’s way is teaching us newfound joy with these tiny fur balls that share a new dimension of seeing His creation and care. As I was pondering and praying yesterday, their names together are actually a prayer…Stir up a rebirth. Of course, their names are a prayer—no surprise to God. We are just following His lead.

Other surprises on the horizon.
Surprise: I passed my driving evaluation with flying colors. It may be a while before I venture out solo. At least not until I get my yabba dabba do feet under me. Now, I get to chauffeur Steve for a bit. Not surprisingly, I made a new friend, my rehab driving OT, and we prayed together and exchanged info cause she wants to see Morocco, and might even want to see a client ride a camel. Oh, how I do love divine encounters.

If you have been following along, it was 2017, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving when I was diagnosed. I recall reading Jesus Calling before heading out to walk the Grateful Gobbler that morning; the passage reminded me to pick up blessings along the day and make a bouquet of them to offer back to Jesus. And so instead of despair, I found blessings in our community, our neighbors, and our friends as I shared our news as we walked, and we crossed the finish line with all the Cingillis in tow.

And probably not a surprise: We committed to the Gobbler once again, a Thanksgiving tradition, and a 5k. I may walk, roll, or get a ride, but we are going to make it happen. This year we set out to celebrate all that God has done. Ladonna is championing this journey. If you’re local, see Facebook to join us, or just look for the queen’s parade. We will all be surprised if I walk the whole way. Cue up the prayers, please.

And while you are pondering coming alongside us, there is a Moroccan bucket list cruise in the works. April 2025. Again, see Facebook, Ryan Joy, or send me an email. So, why a cruise? Because even a bad day is a good day onboard Windstar. Join us for spice markets, souks and artisans in Tangier, mosaics of bold, bright colors and cafes in Marrakesh, and other ports of call through the Straits of Gibraltar. I am so excited to see all the colors and textures, patterns and possibilities.

We are enjoying hoping and planning ahead. Living forward, a shift in our way of thinking. No longer preparing for worst-case scenarios. The weight has lifted that I didn’t know existed. Eternal optimism doesn’t mean I was living in the clouds with rainbows and unicorns; it just means I continue to trust in God’s mighty hand, outstretched arm, and His miracles, and I press on, seeing a better life together. That’s where you come in… so much gratitude for all the ways together, collectively and individually, each of you encourages, stands with us, shows up, and helps us [yes, Maggie and Roger, that’s you two, and two of the many] through this long journey of twists and turns, hiccups and surprises… and heart overflowing with gratitude.

Some days and nights are downright hard, and some days are surprisingly easy breezy. But always, prayers answered over and over again.

May each of you find blessings in your journey to offer up to God this Thanksgiving, as a bouquet of gratitude and worship. I know I will.

Love and joy, Victoria

Go home, Albert, Go home

“Go home, Albert!” Our neighbors would say on his many escapades and escapes from the yard. Hard as Steve tried we couldn’t contain him. But sure enough if our neighbors said “Go home, Albert” he would tuck his tail and bow his head and turn around and head back. Today we bow our heads and thank our God for the gift Albert has been. He made our house a home, waiting and welcoming us home with those sad eyes and sweet love.

Lord, welcome him home. Albert Van Carlson, 815 Young Ave can not contain you as much as our hearts long too. Go home, Albert. Go home.

Hats off to you, Reine

As I sit to gather my thoughts, I can't help but revisit my last post: life abundantly so. It’s been eleven years today since my mom died. She personified life abundantly so... a life full of laughter, a life full of friends, a life full of love, a life full of yes ands.

Many of you didn't have the joy of meeting Reine, and for that I am sorry. She would have loved you, as she loved many. She loved people, was curious, welcoming, and funny. She had a gift of remembering your details, she wouldn't say: Oh, how is Janel, or Amy or Maggie...she would say: Tell me, how is Janel's son, Aidan, doing with baseball? Has Amy taught you to play Bunco, yet? Has Brett started his band? Are you and Liz going to visit Maggie in Albuquerque? You need to visit your friends.

She believed in making two new friends a year. Mom, you would be proud. I have at least 22 new friends whom I would have loved you to meet. It has been eleven years; I still miss you.

Pause. Take time to reflect on where you are, where you have been, and where you are going. Over the last decade, what brought you to this place and space? Honor your journey, and the people, honor the people in your lives. Tell them what you learned from them, reminisce about what you have laughed about, and make new memories, all the while laughing.

Reine taught me how to have fun, read passionately, and be alone without loneliness. I have a lot of alone time, and I am grateful my mom taught me to never be bored. 

I was 45 when she passed away, we were planning on going to Morocco with her and Steve for my 5oth, even though she couldn't fathom why in the world I wanted to go there of all places. To ride a camel, of course, to taste and see the spice markets and to wear a Fez, or that's what Steve wants. Having a hat collection, she would appreciate that. Yes, hats... it was her party trick, if a party was boring and needed to be stepped up a notch, she would pull out the hats... all kinds of hats: fedoras, berets, straw hats, baseball, cowboy, bowlers, buckets, pillbox, tiaras, and tea hats, fascinators, all from her trunk, always her golf clubs and her hats. What is your party trick? Where is your dream vacation? 

Pause this summer. Learn a new trick. And plan a dream vacation or at least a weekend getaway. Doctor’s orders, seriously: Travel. And take on ALS with all you’ve got. Hats off to ALS Awareness Month. 1 in 300, for many of you that means 2 of your friends on Facebook.

I'm glad she didn't know I would suffer. She would hate it, not like y'all. Literally, she hated hospitals, doctors, and all that jazz. She would like to know Dr. Alpers appreciates fresh grapefruit cocktails. At our last clinic, when he shared that my functional rating scale went from 41, to 31, and then up to 37, we asked, what next? How do we prepare for the next phase, he said, point blank: Travel. So, maybe, just maybe Morocco! Let's go!
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Wishing you joy, and time to relax on the back patio with a burger and beer, all while reading the Sunday paper. One of our favorite things to do together. Here's to you, Mom!

Love, Victoria

Life Abundantly So

As we enter this new year, one gift, one game, one Almighty Father, and one idea led us to host a King's Day party for the epiphany. One decadent Iberico pork, one of cousin Colleen’s crazy fun games, one daughter of Christ, and a husband who said yes 18 years ago to one simple question that packed a punch. Liz asked, “when Victoria wants to climb that creative mountain and all you want to do is hang back in the lodge sipping hot cocoa will you go up the mountain?” Steve, lovestruck, emphatically said, “Yes!”

Sometimes, God wants us to say yes...lovestruck and emphatic—and sometimes, yes... out of obedience. God orchestrated an evening to celebrate the gift of joy, friendships, and the collective power of saying yes to feliz día de reyes! And so ensued a Spanish feast.

The guest list was old and new friends. The invite read: This will be a time to share our gifts, collectively. Cash is king. Please bring 10 singles to participate in a friendly game to win a Magi crown, and bestow the winnings to your favorite charity.

Planning (4 days from inspiration to manifestation), prepping, praying... I felt like Martha [doing] as the week progressed, single-focused on Friday evening. Hoping the same star that led the wise men to lead us. I was truly a hot mess when people arrived, hello, duh, I live with a chronic disease—I tend to believe I am faster than I am, vroommm, really? imagine that—so people jumped right in, and many hands made light work. Last night, as I gathered and sat with friends I felt like Mary [being] at the feet of Jesus.

Sometimes, I believe I am too much. I know I ask too much of my husband... that indeed is true, and I am working that out. I do too much, I envision too much, I want too much of this precious life. I see that God is way too much, too much joy, too much light, too much love and I want that, I want that for all of us. Living out of God's abundance and trusting in Him.

Without a doubt, this is who God created me to BE. A woman with a heart for hospitality who seeks beauty in this world and creates space for authentic conversations and community. And a woman living out her vulnerabilities. Yep, not just the foibles of ALS... at the end of the night, I uncovered my oversized sweater was tucked under and leggings and butt were exposed. Oy vey! Literally, I walk around all night in my tights, just like a mullet... business up front, party in the back.

Anywho, anyone who knows Steve, knows this man was created with a servant’s heart, to see people and listen to their stories, and partner with me in this space.

The outcome: our hearts overflowing with His abundance and joy, much laughter, a few crowns, many new friends. Plus, an equine therapy sponsorship for a non-verbal seven-year-old boy with autism, this through The Shalom Story, a ministry created out of a journey of wild obedience by my friend, Jessica. theshalomstory.com

Your turn
The Magi brought Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Gold was considered a symbol of kings, frankincense, a perfume representing divinity, and myrrh, an anointing and embalming oil that symbolized death.
+ Your Gold: What is the best part of you that you want to share with your neighbors, friends, colleagues, community this year?
+ Your Frankincense: What is the fragrance of Jesus you most want to be, to emulate, this year?
+ Your Myrrh: What do you want to die to, to put to death, this year? Possibly the ugghhh that comes out sideways.

So this year, live out who you are meant to be.

All glory to God... this is why I do too much.
I humbly and graciously share my friend Elizabeth’s Facebook post from late last evening. She is the founder of The Unmarried Wife, a ministry building a safe house here in Chattanooga. The Evermore House, weeks away from opening, has had one nightmare money pit story after another, the HVAC went out and water pipes burst in the freeze setting her back months. theunmarriedwife.org/evermore-house/

I am so deeply exhausted, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, but I know that I can’t sleep until I acknowledge God’s great love for me.

On what has been one of the lowest days that I’ve had in Ministry yet, I felt something change in the spirit today. A darkness fell over my heart that I had previously evaded and now, a deep-welled spirit of sadness roars from the ashes of death that seem to lay helplessly at my feet. 

True and earnest depression began to set in, as I heard a heavenly voice descend from the cosmos to my ear: “Your word for the year is Joy.”

Immediately, DREAD filled my being. I was not searching for any declarations over my year and when that one came uninvited, the old adage, “don’t ever pray for patience, because God will send you trials to make you patient,” seized my spirit…

“I don’t want joy if You are going to prosper it through sorrow,” I said with a broken and depleted heart.

Honest but ugly… my heart in that one moment and my heart even still is ASSURED that it would not survive another year of loss and lack like the one previous. I looked at the offer of Joy set before me and said I wouldn’t accept it if it was prefaced by mourning.

I spoke in selfishness, in hurt, and in survival, and still, the Lord heard me.

“I am going to give you an abundance of joy unrequited,” He answered, “unlike that of which you’ve ever seen. No strings attached, no lessons to be learned, just a gift of My heart, from My heart to yours.”

Tentatively, worriedly, unbelievingly, I went on with my day.

The narrative that God is always trying to “fix us” and “change us” and that His motivation in giving to us is to ultimately accomplish those two things is not a theology that I personally subscribe to. I believe that God’s greatest priority is to LOVE us, and it’s through accepting that love that we are moved to change.

No manipulation, no forcing of hands, and no disappointment— only kindness, compassion, and the understanding heart of a Father who is truly dedicated to loving us— Jesus is so CONFIDENT in His love that He knows it will change us and He doesn’t have to do any more than just that. 

Despite being settled in this, I found myself questioning the validity of that belief the moment this gift was presented.

Over the past year, the presence of joy has never seemed to be mutually exclusive from the presence of heartbreak. So when I heard that I would be receiving the gift of joy, all I could see was the outstanding and overbearing juxtaposition of suffering that needed to be experienced first in order for me to ever even TOUCH the joy of the Lord.

But today in promise and tonight in life, I saw the purest of joys lived out with truly no strings attached.

My sweet friends, the Carlson’s hosted a beautiful dinner party tonight, with an array of guests from philanthropists to non-profit owners peppering the mix.

They invited me to join in but because of the great swell of depression that claimed my heart today, I was hesitant to join for fear of it being expanded in the name of a lesson.

But what I was met with instead was true, unwavering fulfillment: a joy so righteous and unconditional that it surpassed any darkness within.

The food was decadent, the company was excellent, and the time was well spent.

A long-time culinary wishlist item was checked off in the indulgence of Iberico pork. My story and my commitments to this ministry were shared with interested and receiving ears who seemed to see me and know me in a way I hadn’t been seen or known in a long time. Laughter erupted from my stomach until I was breathless over and over again throughout the night.

Carefree and self-assured, tonight was the best night that I have had in a long while…

I laughed, deeply and truly, for the first time in a very very long time.

That is all I have the energy to share right now— just that the manifestation of joy incarnate came tonight, with no strings attached, just to prove the love of the Lord for me. I choose to believe that this is just the start.

I still need prayer, I still need support, and arguably, I need them both more than ever. But tonight my heart found rest in the fruition of a life-saving promise: joy untethered from sorrow.

--
Wishing you the happiest new year and much joy, Victoria

Get Busy Living

Today, I am painfully reminded of how fragile life is and how time flies. Forgive me, I have neglected sharing our new normal. Alas, I have been busy living—vibrantly and victoriously, most days. I still struggle, and I still need to fight the good fight, and with God on my side, who can be against me? And that is not a glib statement because with God on our side, it does not mean our hearts won't break. We stumble, we struggle and fall, and even the good die young. 

What it does mean is... call your friends, respond to texts, share your love, share your kindness, be generous and be the body of Christ. I have had my own personal Ragnar relay, my team that runs with me. Whether you pick me up and drive me from DC to Annapolis, or drive hours for the day just to say hello, or take the ferry from Lewes to Cape May to spend more time together, or take 15 minutes to shuttle me to and from Siskin, and the hundreds of Sparc volunteers that make sure I am strong and safe. I am grateful. I am grateful for the conversations in passing, or the two, hour-long conversations with an old friend just before he suddenly passed away, seeing friends face-to-face on a Thursday evening in Chicago, or a zoom call studying the Bible and praying every week. These are moments that matter—the moments that mean I am living. 

I know Steve posts when I get to waterski or ride, or kayak, and all of these adventures are reminders I am getting busy living.

Balancing the two is crucial. I need to push my body to be strong. I also need to push myself to slow the #*% way down, so I have more slow moments to share every day with so many of you... like celebrating Thanksgiving with friends, and the anticipation of an upcoming wedding, our anniversary, and Christmas with family.

I am grateful for this long season of living large, bucket lists, and adventures, but mostly, I am thankful for the flood of prayers that help bolster me up and keep me strong in my walk, encouraging me to lean in and be interdependent, because you and me—we need one another. It says so in the Bible, and it says so in my heart.

Love and blessings, Victoria

meh no more

meh... it is the word that defines my current mood. The space between hope and vigilance, the reality that I don't get to take a day off, even though I do. It is being out of sync with my body and the routines I need to thrive. It is the settling in of a desperate need to endure and utterly depend on God. It is Ground Hog's Day, the season of hibernation awakening, and like the song... "It's been a long, cold lonely winter" but it hasn't been lonely, just long... and I am along for the ride.

In this season, I skied with my cousins [amazing, really amazing], I had my appendix aborted [not so amazing], and I celebrated with the Irish, again with my cousins and friends [very amazing and fun]. I had many great days and some meh days. There is a poem from a Mac ad in the 80s that says “And there will be bad days. There will be times when you want to turn around, pack it up, and call it quits. Those times tell you that you are pushing yourself, that you are not afraid to learn by trying. Persist.” And I do persist, I get knocked down and I get up again, I take another cold shower, drink another smoothie, and get lost in the task at hand, letting the distractions seep in, avoiding the hard work and diligence that has made me stronger, that has made this disease tuck its tail and turn on its heel.

Here I am hoping upon hope to find the motivation to step back into the ring, to fuel my imagination to hope, and to say “Here comes the sun, And I say, It's all right” Yes to languish is all right for a moment, to name the emotions along the way is good but to create a space for me, to heal... is joy! So with one foot in front of the other, I pray for May flowers, and April showers to wash away the mehs. And, Spring forth hopes, and faith and renewed diligence... that is my prayer.

Ann Voskamp wrote, “It’s a poverty of imagination that bankrupts hope.” So let’s imagine no more mehs, let‘s imagine truly that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, and above all, you could ever ask, imagine, or think, according to His power at work in you. To Him be the glory.

Peace be with you, Victoria

band together

If ever there were a time to know who your person is… (a nod to one of my favs: Grey’s Anatomy) it is now. We all need that person in our lives. We need one another... that is what the trinity is all about... even God didn’t play solo. When l was single it was, and still is… Amy, and Ahna, and Janel, that person who knows the silent sound of your tears and willingly helps you hoist a chair or a couch over a railing two stories up. Even if it appears crazy or impossible, like the recent adventures with Victoria… the other one. Our person, the one who gives and takes, and partners with us. My built-in partner is Steve.

And then when, or what if, there isn't space to receive? This is about the ships... friendships and relationships. In this season of giving, consider what it looks like to receive, and receive well.
 
Recently, Steve and I discovered that we have let my diagnosis short-circuit this part of our marriage. As my caretaker, Steve has stepped it up so much so that I felt a bit boxed in, unable to give back. Yes, he is stellar and amazing, and part saint. This dynamic was eye-opening, and I was not giving in. Oh, but isn't this the season of giving? And yes, I wanted to give. I want to be his person. I wanted to clean up after dinner, silly, isn’t it? I want to care for him. I want to participate. 
 
This is muddy, most ...ships are. And so, we came to see each other with a new light. I am stronger than I was even two years ago. Praise God! We are fighting this disease with all we have. For Steve, that means protecting me from myself (literally and figuratively) and for me, it means breaking out of the carefully bubble-wrapped box that ALS and Steve have created. It is about seeing one another’s needs. I want to continue to contribute and help Steve when he has a bad day or just because I can and do—love him.
 
And I want to participate with you, my friends, and honor you; and also... receive your love. It is the freedom to love wholeheartedly and to give and receive, and to love friends and family well.

Sometimes, I fall short, but I sure want to try.
 
So yes, retirement has served me well. Time to push my body and time to rest my body. Time to stretch, and ride and play, and time to recover. Time to weep and mourn with friends, time to pray for healing, and time to celebrate: we are seeing a reversal!
 
With gratitude and love, this season and always, Victoria

tutti-frutti, oh rootie

As I end this summer, this season, and look back at the days of PT, speech therapy, pilates, time in the garden, and naps, and sun and fun... I see evidence of myself coming around again. My energy and joy, laughter! It is the seeds hidden that grow and blossom. In new rhythms, I see new life, different, but new.

It is my very first bouquet from the garden. 

It is patience to trust the seed will bear fruit, this seed of an idea, of a garden accessible, out front for me to bear witness that God is good.

“It is during the hiddenness that the root system is developed.” As we enter into harvest, the seeds drop and are buried, or in our yard, the squirrels bean you with half-eaten acorns. And some are buried. Fruit is always seed-bearing. And seeds bring new life.

What are you going to tuck away and let grow roots? For me, it is the dream of cut flowers and bouquets next year. 

Look and see, taste what the Lord has made. It is good, and we are very good.

A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom!
Love, Victoria

still life & perpetual motion

“When you approach me [God] in stillness and in trust you are strengthened,” per Jesus Calling, June 15. Maybe I should have, could have written sooner... and yet today is the day. One month since I retired since I filed for disability, one month in on my full-time job of caring for my body and learning to be still. Settle in—there is a lot to catch up on. Retirement started as a blur... a gathering that honored and celebrated me, not as a designer, but for me as a mentor, colleague, and friend. Wow, it was stunning and humbling to see and feel the love! I am still in motion, and it continues as my neighbor and friend, Landy and I led a team of interns to rebrand and launch a store in Lakeside, Ohio. All while planting and caring for many, many seedlings and my health, and schooling, both students and myself....and more of God’s word. and being still. Those who know me well, surely are shaking your head...vrooommm? The joys of still life 1. the birds: the chatter, the monologues and dialogues I script, and the little ask: red bird, bluebird, oh where are you, yellow bird? And yes, in almost 13 years only 1 warbler, and shortly after my plea... a beautiful goldfinch. like literally 20 minutes! The beauty of peace and quiet of our backyard oasis.

2. the word: meditation, devotions, and bible study... all pointing in one direction: strengthen. Strengthen in Hebrew means to encourage and comfort. 3 bible studies, 3 times: Hebrew 12:12-13; Job 4:3 and my favorite: Isaiah 35:3 With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands and weak knees.

3. the listening: being still enough to listen to my body and knowing what I need to eat, to replace, to avoid, and to stretch: slow, stretch and hold, repeat. and again. this is the long haul, stretching every day, patiently waiting for the possibility of awakening my muscles. These new rhythms give way to new life. the art of perpetual motion Vaccinated and free. ahhhh! worshipping together, visiting friends and neighbors! Laughing together, the bellyaching, crying, peeing kind of laughter... what an art and science in healing. Laughter is the best medicine! Yes, perpetual motion is impossible, and so is reversing ALS/PLS. Let’s defy the odds, let’s celebrate the small, slow, and steady successes for my tired hands and weak knees: 1. as I stood, cheering on the Chattanooga Chase, I was clapping. I haven’t been able to clap in over 2 years, and there I was clapping to my surprise!! 2. and as I stood in the shower, I was washing all parts of my body, all the hard-to-reach places! ta-da 3. and as I went to pull up my hair, making a messy bun was within reach. viola! next up... More from the garden, the front, that is, and fully wheelchair accessible! There is a plan, always a plan. I need to have a purpose, that is who God made us, for me, it is a way to contribute, it is part of my DNA, as is the joy of having my fingers in the dirt. Out front, I get to socialize and see friends passing by, I get to be physical, I get to give back, I get to share. Starting tomorrow, Jason the Mason begins creating raised garden beds for cut flowers and for all my hundreds of seedlings: the zinnias, snapdragons, poppies, oh my. Flowers for neighbors and friends: flowers to cultivate hope, friends, and joy. See below.

And my funny friend, my other Victoria, is moving here. Yes, Chattanooga! If you have moved away you know the gift of friends who know you, really know you. Oh, how God loves me so bring her here to share life with. I cannot wait, I am giddy with anticipation.

This summer is full of more and more goodness, like cousins weekend is a full week, all my besties, all the love, all the laughter, and all the joy my heart can contain coming to Chattanooga. More antics, and more giddiness.

Blessings to you this season, may you be refreshed!

With love and abounding joy, Victoria

prefixes + suffixes, add-ons + take aways

How do I define myself? Pinterest would say I am a fun-loving, enthusiastic creative who seeks wisdom and beauty. I would say I am a Christian. Work would tell you I am a Creative Director, Emeritus, and a Professor. The medical community would say I am an ALS patient. I say these are bookends, the prefixes, and suffixes, the add-ons to who I am. Let’s take away these definitions. All of us.

 The question posed in the Bible is who do you say I am? said the great I Am.

 This is not an identity question as to who do you say I am. For me, this is a question of willingness, submission, and letting go. Letting go of pride, and unforgiveness, and expectations of others and myself. A wise friend, Joya, once told me people will disappoint you, and not because of who they are or aren’t but because of our own expectations. Wisdom, right?

 In January, I began a new chapter. I began reading, you tubing, and delving into the science of my disease, and unpacking it, in an effort to heal. I began by letting go...I let go of gluten, sugar, and eventually dairy. Basically, I eat nuts and berries, seeds and tons of kale, spinach, grass-fed beef, and salmon, tons of salmon, and more vegetables. I try to drink 96 oz of water daily and fall short every day. 

 It wasn’t hard to change my eating, well, the no cheese threw me for a loop mentally, kicking and screaming. I do love me some cheese. What was hard was the increased signs of ALS, the pain and suffering, more sleepless nights as my body attempted to detox if you will. What was hard was seeing the pain my pain caused Steve. What was hard was not throwing in the towel. What was hard is not shedding one stinking pound!

After 3 months, finally, I am on a course of redefining my body. I have more energy and am more hopeful for the next wave of healing, and more victorious as my namesake declares. I may never be healed, but today more than ever I am set free, and I am whole and healed in Christ. Alleluia!!

 Next up, letting the Great I Am define me. This is my take-away.

 Love & Blessings, Victoria

think upon such things

Whatever is true, and noble and right, and pure and admirable? As I contemplate... I am drawn over and over to our magnificent Oak tree. Evidence of God’s majesty, and his excellence... the deep roots, the overarching branches that shelter us. That rugged, rough bark protects this mighty Oak from the outside world, continually renewed from within. It insulates against cold and heat and wards off insects and enemies. Rather than protecting myself from the world, I leave that to God. He is more than rugged, He withstands the test of time, here in the power of Christ I stand.

The story I am most drawn to is the cross-section, the story of the rings. Those rings are noble and right, and pure and admirable. They tell the truth, the stories of abundance and drought, striving and struggles, plagues and plenty, feast and famine, and of growth. They tell a history that is praiseworthy.

What would my cross-section look like? I imagine the last two week’s ring would be marred. Truthfully, I was in excruciating pain on and off throughout the days and restless sleepless nights. I was spent. Come Friday, I had Steve help me take a bath, add some epsom salt, lavender drops, and exhale, desperate for balance. This episode, this gnarly week of struggles, would be none less beautiful. It would tell that we need help, we need rest, we need to take a breath and look up, and I would once again be grateful for my husband who cooked dinner after dinner, did laundry, cared for me, and washed my feet, literally and figuratively.

This past episode would just be a snapshot in time... a hiccup. And that is not the full story. My ALS clinic two weeks ago would tell you a different story. A story of hope. A story of strength, not mine, but God’s healing power. A story of answered prayers. A story of stretches, Chi machines, protein and smoothies, and the story of passion and belief. A story that is not done being written. There are still buds of new ideas, wheelchair garden plans, and visions as I lean into my limitations and possibilities. I lean in with joy and expectation.

This is my cross-section.

Love, Victoria

Use Your Words

Say please and thank you. Say hello and goodbye, and good morning and I love you. Say it with your eyes, say it with your ears as you listen. Listen carefully for the sounds of beauty and the sounds of creations, the sounds of silence and the sounds of pain, the sound of a friend’s silent tears. Quiet yourself to hear the sounds of God’s whisper on your soul. Stop for a moment to hear and see another’s beauty through God’s eyes, His ears and ask His Spirit to show you a picture of who He made them. And speak out those words, words of comfort, words of adoration and words of love.

As I recently shared at Lauren and Blake’s magical Covid-safe wedding... Be like the Ents, from the famed “Lords of the Rings,” be cured of dumbness, and choose your words carefully, safeguard your love from the erosion of a thoughtless word. Let your words build one another up. Speak encouragement over one another, and alway pray over and for one another.

In the beginning was the the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. Then, God said “let there be light.”

Today, speak out your love and light over friends and family, and speak specifics. Illuminate who they are for all to see and hear.

I love all my nieces and my nephews. And yet today, I am thankful for you, Eloise. I love your heart for family, and desire to make others happy, and I love the way you crawl into your grandfather’s lap. I love that you took time to send me a text this morning.

I love you, Alicia and Daniel, for your heart to care for us and give back, for your willingness to get on your knees and serve us as you laid stone upon stone creating a work of beauty.

I am grateful for Elizabeth and Charlie’s Chattanooga BBQ, your heart to love through nourishment and meals who lavishes Steve and I with dinner upon dinner.

I am grateful for all the women that study God’s word with me, and I love you, Nancy. You shared the jewel of God’s presence and the power of the Holy Spirit to breath words of life over one another. I am a thing of beauty, shining brightly... because you lead me to Christ, to the heart of love and sacrifice.... Because you see Him in me.

I am grateful God has poured out his love for me through my friends, my neighbors, my family, my amazing cousins and aunts, and my husband—he is a gift. Today, I thank you for the handwritten notes and cards, the meals, the surprises left on our porch and in our mailbox, the affirming words. Today I thank you for encouraging me with your heart and your gifts... big and small.

In the beginning was the the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. In the beginning...Then, God said “let there be light.”

And, yes, there is light... as my doctors have shared, I have plateaued, which is an anomaly for a progressive disease. But never an anomaly for God—He is the miracle-maker, the healer, the great physician. I am grateful for your healing prayers and the power and time for those who continue to pray with and for me.

So, be the light today as you say grace over your meal, take time to love with your words.

Have a hope-filled and happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Victoria

Whole Lotta Love

It has been too long, and yet I feel like a turtle peeking my head out of my protective shell. As the world is in disarray, we have been putting our small piece of the world back together, to create peace. 

My silence is not out of avoidance or agreement, it is out of prayer and to acknowledge the voices that do matter. 

And to spend time with Steve, and resting—that thing I don’t do well. I am learning and enjoying the simplicity and caring for my body… like simply deep breathing.

The word that God has placed on my heart lately is whole… and I have been pondering what that means to me. As a part? complete? totality? unity? I looked to my concordance… and right their under whole, it says see healthy! Holy, Holy, Holy!

I found joy and humor and hope in that one simple phrase. 

As for my health, I have had some bumps and bruises, and a fall followed by a broken nose, and a fitting for a wheelchair… these are all part of a long and windy road. Sure I had a pity party and dug my head in the sand, and sure I stepped out and started walking more, and I started recording my voice, which is starting to sound gravelly and not the sexy kind, more like a record on 78 rpm… really slow and warbly… on the verge of Charlie Brown’s teacher.

And as for teaching, I’m at it again. Yeah, warbly and all… Advertising Design this semester and I can use all your prayers! As like many teachers, we re-imagine how to engage and make this a delightful experience. 

Each day comes with blessings and laughter, and hope. And new friends and old, and many surprises. I continue to be grateful for this good life we live. Thank you my friends for all the big and small ways you love on us.

A little of evidence of all the ways my world is lovely—including you.

Love, Victoria

Inside Looking Out

As I settle into Life 3.0, I am anything but settled which for me is a good thing. I get the privilege to teach and work from home, and in such a way a bird’s eye view of the shift in our world. Spring is my favorite—watching the remnants of our garden come to life and plan for its rebirth, and my own. This pandemic is changing us all.

I am in my happy place in the dining room with the sun streaming in and birds chirping. It is a bubble that I know is surreal. My bubble is busy, re-imaging classes, re-imaging ways to connect with our students, re-imaging how to love my neighbors as ourselves, and re-imaging community healthcare messages we hear over and over: mind the gap.

It is a bubble that is also heartbreaking to watch the devastation of the tornadoes in our city, the hardship for our family in New York and Italy, and the devastation of Coronavirus and its impact. And yet it is a time to reflect and grow and pause, and pray. And to celebrate the beauty of others, like my mother-in-law, Margaret, who celebrated her 93rd birthday by baking a beautiful cake, complete with a candle, because life is to be celebrated, even if your family is gathered on screens, near and far, singing and laughing.

As for health and home… a couple more falls—not so good, but still slowly progressing, and more progress at home, so very good! Check out the plans and pictures! So close to being done, just waiting patiently, along with all of you.

I am grateful to be creative, and not bored, I am grateful to be protected and healthy, as far the virus, and I am grateful to be safe. As I watch my neighbors and friends, and clients on the frontlines, I am grateful for their dedication. I also know after almost 15 years focused on healthcare marketing and community outreach and design, we are more than our physical health, we are well-beings, and being well is many dimensions. 

At work, we are conducting research on that exact thing. I am fascinated with what we are seeing, we are seeing your story take life, not death…. and how this time is shaping you. Interest? Then, please jump in take the survey below.

Love, Victoria

https://www.research.net/r/lift-healthcare-consumer-covid-19-survey-2

Cans and Can’t-s

...wants and wishes, highlights and lowlights, first and foremost, forgive me for the long pause. This update is long, really long overdue.

The burning question: how was my month of rest? too long ago, and too short, considering it took half the month for me to wind down. No surprise, yet when I slowed down it was delightful. 

So, how was January? and February? a firestorm, all the lovely rest out the window as I learned a whole new rhythm of a part-time schedule at Lift and teaching back to back classes. Here, there and everywhere... mentally, emotionally and physical. In short, I am tired. 

Cans and Can’t-s
As indignant as a two-year-old frustrated with what I want to do, and what I wish to do, what I cannot do and what I can do. My cans list outweighs my can’t-s by far, the can’t-s are short. I can’t pull my hair up, and can’t manage a bra well, and can’t tie my shoes. But when these three little can’t-s make getting to the cans... I sit stymied. And the oh, so cute shoes I purchased to step into just didn’t work. Yes, I got over my little pity party and it was as easy as calling a friend, or two, to take me on a walk, yes, like Albert, I now need adult supervision and ta-da... a whole lotta’ joy, a lotta’ friendship and laughs, some fresh air and a walk to the park. Thanks, Amy, and Morgan! And oh, I learned, I can still thread a needle, surprise y’all!

Highlights
A month of precious visitors. Thanks, Nancy and Abigail, thanks Aunt Pat and Uncle Hugh, and thank you, Sheila! I am filled up with such love. 
An ALS fundraising night out which encouraged both Steve and me, and fostered our hope and re-energized us, big!

And lowlights
Canceling our Chicago trip, and missing my all-star friend’s 50th. Janel, you are a gift to be celebrated every day! 
New waves of pain that take my breath away. 

And more highlights
A driveway and a bidet, progress on both fronts or back alleys, really.

And a light at the end of the tunnel... we are winding down the final renovations! and I get to exhale, a long slow breath. 

As I enter Lent, it is a beautiful reminder of Christ’s sacrifice for me, a reminder in setting time aside to honor Him who made us—fearfully and wonderfully made. In this season, I seek to diminish the fleeting treasures and distractions of my everyday, to get to what is essential. It means seeking the beauty of a simpler life. It means humility, it means focusing on less, it means seeing more in others, and loving out of sacrifice. 

Here’s hoping for an early Spring, and restoring beauty in our garden.

Love, Victoria

so much to learn, and so much to hope for

Top Ten from Texas

1. Diagnoses are just words. Listen to my body.
2. Be encouraged. Encourage one other.
3. When I relax, I feel better.
4. Stretch every day.
5. Sleep allows the body to heal itself.
6. God does answer prayers. Well, I knew this : ) ...just a nice reminder.
7. A no is a yes to something better.
8. Use what you have.
9. Reimagine life 2.0
10. I so love my husband and my dog... and they both need my attention. Steve first, Albert next. It makes our family happy.

Advent = Fullness + Gratitude 

A full life is not about cramming every last moment but taking every last moment slow so there will be more and more moments. My speed of life is speeding up my symptoms and slowing down my life. Riddle me this batman: essentially less is more.

A full life is a life full of gratitude and hope for each and every moment.

Steve and I are taking a hiatus. Please be patient with us as we redefine our rhythms and routines. As my friend Stephanie says it is time for a “me” month. No extracurricular activities, just a recess, our own sweet advent this season.

Healthy Update

A well-oiled, focus team can produce great results all while being present, empathetic, and kind. It was worth the trip to Houston Methodist and Dr. Appel. The care was amazing—Steve and I looked at each other over and over again, dumbfounded, praising God, and with a new found hope with each and every physician’s input. We had four years of testing completed in three days, and a sleep study. And they affirmed my new doctor in Chattanooga is right on the money. [alleluia and amen]

Moving forward, I need to focus on three things: sleeping, breathing well, and no more falling down.

The first and foremost great news: I do not necessarily have ALS but PLS. This is consistent with the atypical diagnosis that has sent doctors in a tailspin. It is rare only 500-2000 people diagnosed. PLS has many of the same symptoms but is not fatal, [alleluia and amen] and it may become ALS, or may not. I need lots of healthy breathing and sleep to let my body heal and recover from every day life. Currently when I sleep my body can’t breathe well on its own; so a similar device to a CPAP will help to restore my sleep, and my strength. 

Secondly, I need to prevent falls at all costs—these traumas can cause major setbacks. Let me introduce my sidekick, the rollator, I’m not happy, but resigned and once in hand, I’ll be vrooming all over again.

And thirdly, that nagging cough, the chronic one, the lingering four-year cough, that one… it is asthma and asthma can be treated. [alleluia and amen]

Lastly, the infusions may or may not be responsible for my decline. In Houston, we also learned half the Radicava patients see symptoms speed up rather than slow down. I do know the exposed needle prevents me from going to aqua pilates and interrupts my routine and sleep. I need to continue to use the muscles I have without overexertion which is why the water workouts have been so good for me, plus it is a natural pick me up. So we are pausing the infusions—plus we found out Radicava affects asthma and my gait. Oy vey.

The Very Last Learning

Even though we have shifted my diagnosis it hasn’t shifted my approach or my every day. My body continues to decline even with PLS, I now live in 15-minute increments* and do so relishing the moments more and more. I continue to be encouraged by the thoughtful words, the prayers, and sweet surprises. Thank you, my cheerleaders and champions, every day you remind me of the goodness of a full life.

Go and gobble up all the joy and laughter and hug tight to the ones you love. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Victoria

unearth: expectations and alignments

 Basically, we are under construction, again—both externally and internally.

Externally: unearth for us is to dismantle the garden, bring in the backhoes, turn the soil and revamp for the ramp. Really, it is just a mud puddle as we wait to recreate a way in. For those who have tirelessly helped dig up plants, bushes, and bulbs, stacked bricks, and salvaged rocks and boulders—Thank You!

Internally: unearth also means to discover (something hidden, lost, or kept secret) by investigation or searching. For me, this can only happen when I slow down, grieve what has been lost, and when I create margin in my life and when I search for God’s wisdom.

I have discovered in tough times I turn inward, I quiet down and give into the exhaustion—I also turn towards prayer and unfortunately, sometimes self-sufficiency and spin stories and solutions. I haven’t shared my journey lately, and many of you have asked, thank you for the reminder we are not alone. 

We are searching for how we live out our lives, serve and invite others in, and continue to be vibrant and echo who God has made us, and to supplement my income, preserve my health, cherish our time. These aren’t questions we can answer without God, and so we hunker down a bit and grapple with each next step, and the gripping pain that wakes me through the night, and we move forward, slowly. And be grateful for the days, when each step is strong and steady, full of energy and joy. On those days I celebrate, as I should every day. 

On the horizon: We head to Houston November 10-13 to see Dr. Appel [thank you, Katy Harnett and Teresa Simons for making this a reality] https://www.alstexas.org/houston-neurologist-discovers-treatment-that-could-halt-the-progression-of-als/

Thank You, I am grateful for the cards, the treats and texts, and the thoughtful gifts, for the phone calls, the humor, the meals, and sweet reminders we are in your prayers. And for my special visitor, Kathleen—Thank You! You are life-giving and a gift in your presence.

And always with a grateful and humble heart, Love, Victoria

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expand your library: Embracing the Unknown

book $35 [minimum donation] | paypal.me/offtotheraces

available and expectant

As my friend Leah says, she has a front-row seat. And we all do. I remember another friend dressed for Bon Jovi clad in safety pins holding together her jeans. It was the eighties, of course.

What does it look like to anticipate something grand? The invitation, the reservations, the count down. These are the moments I lecture about in class; these moments begin the journey to happiness. The bride waiting to walk down the aisle, when anticipation sets the stage for a portal, a cross over if you will. It is the moment of transition and space to pause and reframe your mind and body, and as you pass through to the event, the season, you become available to be present and expectant, and at the moment memories are made. Think of Disney World; this is how they perfected their slogan “the happiest place on earth.”

This is my season. I wait on the Lord knowing he will take my disappointment of letting go of a job I love, to go part-time. Although this is involuntarily and without guarantees—it is a gift and I am grateful, I want to honor the space and season not only to refine me/us to be dependent upon God but also to create an obedience that helps me transition well and balance my health and my desire to work. His replacement is always better and when he creates space and separation He also fills in with beauty. It is as old as the creation story, and as a gardener knows it is a time to let the pruning give way to new beautiful blooms.

So I invite you to come along. I invite you to pray with us and to be expectant to see God show up. Pray for me as I choose hope over despair, and as I prepare for this next stage, and my resume and portfolio—and seek additional income to close the gap, and yes, please reach out with part-time opportunities. I am available come December and humble and grateful for your encouragement and the work, any work.

In Jesus precious name,

Love Victoria